I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
