Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
