Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
