I'm so fucking centered right now
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
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he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
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You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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