Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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