my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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