it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
