if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
