I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I think I just sharted jello shots
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