Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
