Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
