I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
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I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
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It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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