You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
