Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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