Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
