I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
