Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
