I think I died a long time ago.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
