So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
