Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
