haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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