i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
