I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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