soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
