ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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