Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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