pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
