When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
