(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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