mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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