So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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