can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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