the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Damn victory sex feels great
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
