and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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