I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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