Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize