Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
