I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
