so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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