I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
