i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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