Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
