I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
