Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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