I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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