Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
