Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
