my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
