I will die if light touches me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
