So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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