the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The uberlube is also flammable
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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