Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
