PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
