my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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