i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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