i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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