i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
