Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
