What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
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The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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