Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
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They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
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You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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