clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
